Sunday, February 16, 2014

Being Alone

Breaking up my marriage wasn't fun. There was a high cost. But almost all born by someone else. The cost to my kids I regret. The rest of the cost I don't regret.

I calculate that a lot of it was prestige and not much more. Losing the facade of success. Losing the appearance of perfect. As I give prestige, facades and appearances little if any value, for me there was personally only the cost of hurting my children. 

But it does mean I am on my own. 

There are many people around but I am on my own.

When I was sick last weekend, it was a very powerful experience in that respect. My kids surround me physically but could not act when I needed rescuing.

On the otherside of the world, my partner couldn't be roused from sleep.

My parents couldn't be drawn from their other commitments.

So I managed the whole thing. I called the ambulance. I got to hospital. I managed the situation at the hospital alone and I got home at the end of it. 

I guess I hadn't realised it would be like this. I am shocked. Surprised. Saddened. But then, I am fine. I am on the way to being well. I feel a little shakey that things aren't as I thought but I am ok. 

Just like leaving of the marriage and getting my feet back under me, I can look at this and say I ended up with my feet under me - I don't have to have someone hold me up.