Monday, September 24, 2012

Birthday Weekend

 It was my birthday. I always get a bit tense before my birthday because I am so bloomin fussy. In the past there were things I would want that I couldn't buy myself and it was the only time in a year when they just might materialise.
Anyway, so it all became loaded with emotions that even now, I get swept away with. Quite ridiculously as I actually have just about everything I could ever want. 

A little over excited the night before (I know, it is pathetic), I didn't fall easily asleep and no sooner than I had, the phone rings and it is the kids father. He has had an accident and needs me to take him to the hospital.

I got back, went to shoot a quick email to work to say I would be late and found a message in my email form one of the kids asking for some photocopying to be done.
By the time it was all said and done, it was one hour before the first birthday greetings began to arrive and that's not much sleep to be sensible with. Especially some one as pugnacious as myself.
A box- a tell tale box is delivered
I squabbled with my poor Mark again and managed to patch it up in time for the deliver. 
Oh my!
I saw one of these boxes arriving for a colleague and I was so impressed. 
I wished I had one too!
:) And now I do :) 
How posh. How wonderful
I wish I hadn't been so tired because I couldn't make my delight obvious through the fog of sleeplessness.
Thank you darling Mark, they are perfect!

Gorgeous 
With a few more phone calls on the heels of saying goodnight to Mark, I gave up trying to sleep and eventually headed off to work..... 
OMG

Even more around the other side but my photo was blurry
Even more flowers: from Jen and Anna and from the girls in the Exec Suite. I was so spoiled. It would be the nicest workplace birthday I have ever had. I think Hayley is building a lovely team spirit. At 4pm, we all stopped work and had a lovely afternoon tea as three of us were having a birthday this week.
All day long I was greeted by all and sundry with birthday wishes. It was very cute.


Flowers on left from Jen and Anna in my favourite colour: Red
When I got home, can you believe it? There were more flowers. From Michael and Gabrielle. The most enormous bunch I have ever seen so i actually had to go shopping for a vase big enough to hold them.

My 'Birthday' Lounge
To celebrate the birthday and because I had so much flextime built up and because finally Garry has an Executive Officer to help look after him, I took today off.

After a delicious sleep in, I got moving and started in the garden- finally vacated by the builder next door. He did not return it to its former state, but I was ready to just move on. 
With Bill's help, I have spread all the dirt I had left. I used the crowbar and he manned the shovel and we dug a hole and planted the weeping elm.
I still need to water it in, and pick up the tools, but I wanted to finish this first so Mark could read it before he goes to work :)

The bad dog is eating my magnolia tree. he has already chewed off a quarter of it.
My bought-on-internet maples are starting to leaf up. They are going to be so pretty

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Where am I and what am I doing?

It is a few weeks since the last blog and in fact nothing much has changed except one vital thing. I am back on antidepressants.
My feelings about this are only mixed because of the external worries. For myself, life is so much better on them that I wouldn't blink an eye to be told I had to use them for life. It's only that people judge me. Judge me well enough to not need them and judge me unfit for things because i am on them.

Yesterday I was told that I had never been seen without a smile on my face. Well that is magnificent because that is who I want to be. I feel that IS who I am. But heavens above it is a struggle to be her.

At some stage about three months ago it had seemed like a good idea to go off them. Everything seemed to be getting sorted. And gradually I reduced the dose. And things were ok. Some issues were building, but I was ok. 

I changed jobs and that worried me a bit. But again it was ok. A few more issues cropped up and I started to sink. So I went and saw a counselor who told me about addiction and give myself time. Just the message alone set me on course for a while (which suggests there is definitely a cognitive component to this),

But as time went on, the weight of misery built up, the fog crawled over and settled on my skin. Every morning I woke up miserable. Angry and miserable. Convinced the only way I could cope was to care about nothing and no one. This was building while I went through yet another change of jobs. Long hours of coming up to speed.

Last weekend was the flash point.
An incident at work left me feeling profoundly unsettled. Paranoid actually. More fights with Mark.
I was soundly told off by my children that I was a no good, angry mother. 

So I packed my bag and left. I won't tell you what I planned. The packed bag was a good sign but there were definitely darker thoughts when I couldn't figure where on earth I could go. (quite literally)

Somewhere before Lake George I did a U-Turn and went to the doctors instead.

And here I am.

The problems are still the same, but I can let go of the anxiety and I can wake without the overwhelming urge to rage at life. I spent my first re-drugged Sunday sitting in the sun, dog at my feet, kindle in hand and it was bliss. The fog had lifted.