It is a few weeks since the last blog and in fact nothing much has changed except one vital thing. I am back on antidepressants.
My feelings about this are only mixed because of the external worries. For myself, life is so much better on them that I wouldn't blink an eye to be told I had to use them for life. It's only that people judge me. Judge me well enough to not need them and judge me unfit for things because i am on them.
Yesterday I was told that I had never been seen without a smile on my face. Well that is magnificent because that is who I want to be. I feel that IS who I am. But heavens above it is a struggle to be her.
At some stage about three months ago it had seemed like a good idea to go off them. Everything seemed to be getting sorted. And gradually I reduced the dose. And things were ok. Some issues were building, but I was ok.
I changed jobs and that worried me a bit. But again it was ok. A few more issues cropped up and I started to sink. So I went and saw a counselor who told me about addiction and give myself time. Just the message alone set me on course for a while (which suggests there is definitely a cognitive component to this),
But as time went on, the weight of misery built up, the fog crawled over and settled on my skin. Every morning I woke up miserable. Angry and miserable. Convinced the only way I could cope was to care about nothing and no one. This was building while I went through yet another change of jobs. Long hours of coming up to speed.
Last weekend was the flash point.
An incident at work left me feeling profoundly unsettled. Paranoid actually. More fights with Mark.
I was soundly told off by my children that I was a no good, angry mother.
So I packed my bag and left. I won't tell you what I planned. The packed bag was a good sign but there were definitely darker thoughts when I couldn't figure where on earth I could go. (quite literally)
Somewhere before Lake George I did a U-Turn and went to the doctors instead.
And here I am.
The problems are still the same, but I can let go of the anxiety and I can wake without the overwhelming urge to rage at life. I spent my first re-drugged Sunday sitting in the sun, dog at my feet, kindle in hand and it was bliss. The fog had lifted.
Good for you - asking for help is a sign of strength.
ReplyDeleteHad to laugh - sorry--at the issue with the neighbor-- in both worlds people want to use your prims,no?
Reminded me of the red soiled sim where we rented together in 2010
(tried to post with Wordpress acct and failed -said I didn't own my identify. )
All the best to you