Wednesday, September 17, 2014

a year of pain

Was it vanity to want some wear and tear on my body fixed up? Sure it was causing some issues but really was it worth the can of worms that it opened.
Since March I have been in pain from the procedure that I went through to fix up some of the damage caused by 4 big babies and time.
Irritating then painful until finally excruciating, I have tried to weather the months, hoping it would fix itself.
Finally I have been to the docs and have had a second procedure. I have dropped back from excruciating. I can sleep most nights.
But I am feeling terribly sad. Apparently care and sympathy has a use by date and this illness has gone past it.
I feel isolated
I feel that even normal help is asking too much.
Normal affection too much.

Asking for either elicits instructions to go to the doctor.  Not help cleaning the mess. Not a kiss on the cheek and reassurance.

I ask too much. I am ungrateful. I am a demon. I am angry.

All I want is for some things to be good for me while I endure this year of pain.