Not feeling well but feeling happy

This year has been a year when I really haven't been 'well'. Chronic issue that had been rumbling along for 20+ years. I thought I would finally 'do' something about it and in fact it has now become so much worse. I hate to be thought of as a hypochondriac. Having something wrong for weeks on end doesn't sit well as I know the world's interest, patience and sympathy for ongoing ailments is close to zero.

Despite that I feel happy.

Mark is nearly here and you can see the counter beside the post saying how many days and hours. I can't say what a relief it was to hear his visa had been granted. Inside my head, crazy had been growing. I felt like it was taking over again just as it had at the end of my marriage.

I do think I am not quite right in that department. I sit too precariously on the edge of tears, anger and laughter. The persecution complex is there too. I love people - so when someone doesn't enjoy and respond to my personality assault things get dark. In a social situation it is easier as I can retreat. In a work context it is much harder. I guess I try very hard to make people like me to make working together a success. And when they refuse to behave there is no where to go but take it personally.

I should simply stop trying to operate this way.

You'd think knowing this about yourself would make it go away but it doesn't seem to.

The reason I am writing what seems to be a sad story is because at the moment I am happy and being happy gives me clarity and vision. So I am writing it down now so that when the cloud descends once more, I have left a message to myself to try and steady the boat!

By the way - the pottery is also making me very happy.
It fills my head with light. It pushes into the gloomy corners with colours and shapes that I can't wait to transform into things. (This morning I got excited as I drove into work thinking about buying cone shaped Styrofoam to use as a template for serving plate feet....)(and ended up at home sans foam when the illness drove me away from work)

People often think I am a pessimist. I don't think I am. I have made so many things over the years full of whimsy and expressing my joy in creating. I think they are evidence that despite the imbalance I mentioned above, I am not a pessimist at all :)