Tuesday, February 28, 2012

......

I sat for a while trying to  think of a title for this blog. And I can't do it. One word can't sum it up and a sentence won't either so I will just have to write the story.

In February 2007 my brother went out riding his bicycle at about 6:30am and became a paraplegic not long after when he was hit by a car.

Well his life was turned upside down on that moment. Our family's was. I can't claim to have suffered like Michael, or Gabrielle or their kids or Mum and Dad- but it was one of those times when suddenly I saw everything differently.

I couldn't go to church anymore because I just cried. And after 43 years of being a very good Catholic, suddenly I wasn't. And no one came to look for me. I find one fact as startling as the other. So I mourned for my lost faith as well. It wasn't that I wanted to believe, I just missed it. I wished I could pray for Michael to get better. It made me happy when people told me they were praying for him. I was happy for  them to have that faith. I missed mine, it had helped define who I was.

Stripped of my faith - it was like a river no longer contained by its banks. I had been following the only course and suddenly I was - free.

Not irresponsible. Not without care. But I was free to look at my life and see what was working and where I was and where I was heading and decide if that was going to make this life worth living.

The casualty was my marriage. For a decade I had felt alone in it. I had not been nourished by it and I felt I had given everything for it. We probably both felt exactly the same way, except I had no feelings left for it at all. Now, having seen Michael nearly lose his life, it was important to me to grab the life I had left.

The coincidence is that in 2006 I had stumbled into an online world. And became Audrey. The amazing thing is that while other people used their avatars to be someone else, I used mine to be me! And I loved it. I loved being me. Probably this is what all those American analysts mean when they say love yourself.

I was astounded to find that people liked to be with me. I had been so lonely in my marriage that I had long since stopped believing in myself. I think my ex-husband believes even less in himself, so he has never been strong enough to hold up my saggy ego.

All this was bubbling along at or just beneath the surface of my life. And then I met Mark. There is a story of meeting him for the first time but the thing I remember most clearly was hoping to meet him again. He intrigued me.  We played together in Fathom, my twilight island. We played with Xavier, and Des and Reese and Eleanor and perhaps Corcosman even wandered by?
I know I told him I had no interest in pursuing a 'relationship'. But I got used to the tiger who came and sat with me and watched the moon rise.

And now in 36 days time - three and a half years later - he is coming to visit.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Wiggle Room

My Darling Zafira is 10 years old. She has done her time ferrying the 6 of us around with the occasional emergency ride for the dog as well. But I think it is time to downsize and save on fuel and have a car with some warranty.
So I began hunting.
Where did I begin? Holden Cruze, Nissan Micras and then Mark mentioned the Hyundai i30. Now, from every single thing I have read about that car, it is a little beauty. The only thing is, I can't find one for private sale and the car yards are charging too much for it. Bother.
And then I asked about trade in- they offered me less than a quarter of what they sell them for.
???
I don't think so. Essentially they want me to donate my car. And they will sell me their car at full price. I used to give bigger discounts on my sewing machines.

Then I came across an add for the car pictured below. It is the 2009 Honda Jazz. 1.3l, automatic, 49K km.
I watched the add, and over time the price dropped by $1K. I rang and arranged a test drive. It was pouring rain and I couldn't see the dashboard because of the mad place of the steering wheel. He had put it where he guessed it would suit me. So the test drive wasn't the most confident piece of driving I have done. Looking past that, I have offered the fellow $500 less than his asking price and he has said yes!
I have done a REVs check, I have had the car inspected (all good) and I have checked that his log books are all up to date. Honda did the inspection and have said it is in great condition and even washed the car!

I thought at that point I would transfer the money into Prem's account and the car would be mine by the weekend.
However, he has said he wants to keep it until Sunday to 'take photos' of it. I wonder if that means he wants to show it to someone else?

That is somewhat annoying and I am wondering if I should spend Saturday looking at i30s again.....

The wiggle mobile- my big red car?

Sunday, February 19, 2012

For Sale

Here is my car! We bought her about 8 years ago now. We needed a car to hold 4 kids and at the time we hoped she would last us through until B finished school. She is still a great car, B has left school and some so I am looking to see if I can pass her to a deserving new home!

Friday, February 17, 2012

A Christmas Message


17 February 2012
Merry Christmas!?

This is not a Christmas card! I have sat for a month now, promising myself to write to you while it was still Christmas-ish. As you can see, I have not kept that promise.

Speaking of promises broken- A and I have gone our separate ways! (Now that came a shock, didn’t it?!)

From my point of view, things had been unsatisfactory for about a decade, but it still came as a nasty shock to A when I told him it was over. I don't believe that meant he was happy in the marriage, just that his commitment was stronger. We had a shot at counselling, but our goals were not the same and if anything, it made it worse. We shared the house though until November last year while I worked out my finances, moved to full time employment and built a house.

It is still pretty new and raw for the kids, but for me it is a relief.  I am still aiming to keep a sense of family. A is not wicked or evil. I maybe just too selfish and not prepared to be less of me to fit into the space that was allocated to me in that relationship. 
At Christmas we all gathered here for lunch.  And we have had a couple of family shopping trips and outings where it was more practical for all to go. I am trying hard to do the ‘civilised’ thing. Especially as I am the one who caused all the upheaval. From A’s point of view I probably haven’t been civilised at all!

Meanwhile the kids are getting older! 

B is going into 2nd year of pre-med. He is besotted with a girl in year 12 at St Francis. I guess he is going to end up marrying her-certainly the way they are going!
 While the rest of the kids are sharing themselves between houses, B and A have not got along and after the most recent row, B has moved here semi-permanently. He will probably stay until I fight with him about the same things: responsibility and mess. But I remember myself at his age and I am not ready to cast the first stone!

J is doing his last year of study. Terrifying time for all of us. He is a dear, but so forgetful and lives in his own dream cocoon. He is funny, warm and gentle. I like him a lot  but because he and B are supposed to share a room here, I am seeing less of him now  as they do not enjoy sharing.

E’s is blossoming. The separation that has been brewing for years meant that home was pretty tense and last year she got herself into a mess of sadness and inability to apply herself to school. I think now that I have finally moved the stress levels have dropped enormously. She is looking more positive and making a commitment to joining the world instead of doing the emo-room-lurking thing. She is so clever, I have to proud of her and now that her braces are about to go on, I am hoping she will be as proud of herself as I am of her.
 
K is Mummy’s girl. Just gone into year 8 and would rather stay with me but goes to Andrew with a sense of fairness. K is the only one who didn’t find primary school a doddle, and as a result is the only one who learned to work before she got to high school. As a result she is doing much better than we ever hoped for her. She keeps me company and seems to enjoy many of the silly things I enjoy doing.

At this stage in the letter I am thinking you are amazed to get such a long letter out of the blue but as I have spilled over onto the second page, I will have to keep going!

When I decided it was time to move on, I needed to get a ‘proper’ job. I had been managing the store for 5 years and the pay had never reflected the work, commitment and chaos that it caused in my life. 'Retail' wages are simply not enough and the last straw was having to work weekends at the same rate I was paid on a weekday- earning as much per hour as the juniors.. or close enough to it.

So it was time to move
With the support of my cousin and her partner, I wrote a couple of applications for the public service and was then coached on interviews. (Support also provided by someone who could be described as a significant other)
2 applications, 1 interview later I am an EA. Executive Assistant. I am enormously overqualified. I get my work done in about a third of the time allotted and I spend a lot of time cleaning up mess just to have something to fill my days. I have a good boss who strokes my ego, hours that will accommodate the kids, better money and so much less stress it is incredible.

I have been working at the Department for six months now. I really enjoyed my first branch as there was the capacity for me to take on a lot of work  outside of the EA role. I then followed my boss to a new area.

The new area is so bloomin serious and high brow, they are not prepared to let little old me dabble with their numbers so my work has been much more restricted. I have told my boss that I am bored out of my skull and am looking for another job and he is in a bit of a panic. So I am giving him a chance to come up with an arrangement. We’ll see. 

I spent 2011 having the best time if you ignore the sadness of the marriage breakup and worrying about the kids. I shopped and built. I have built a house and while it was being built, I shopped and shopped and shopped. Buying duplicates of the core ingredients of a home. A vacuum, a dishwasher, a soup ladle, toilet brush, lounge and so on. From the smallest detail to the biggest. I bargained and travelled and pulled together a very nice little nest for the kids and me.

Oh and I have gone a little bit deaf so 2011 was the year I got hearing aids. It might turn out that I have been a little bit deaf for years. But I have finally done something about it. It made a huge difference but sometimes they irritate the hell out of me and sometimes people irritate the hell out of me and when either of those things happens, I pull the aids out and leave them on my desk!
I have to stop now or I will start another page! Would love to hear from you

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

be my Valentine, Mark

The most gorgeous basket of flowers and fruit from my Honey!
Thank you Mark.
How on earth can I destroy the arrangement and eat the fruit?
There is a rockmelon which is my favourite, and a pineapple which Kate and Erin love. And Mango and grapes and apples and pears and 
<3passionfruit<3

Monday, February 6, 2012

The holidays are over

Today was the first day back at school for 2012. It's John's last year so it will be a significant one.
As the holidays came to a close, we headed to Narooma for some time at Nettlewood. The kids went down a  few days before me and then I joined then on Australia Day.

As well as having three of mine, Mum and Dad were looking after Jock's three as well. The kids get along so well. It is amazing given how much younger the Diddles are. But all 6 kids get along very well and are much more independent with the mixture of old and young than they would be otherwise.

 Mum mentioned going out to listen Dad's band playing on Sunday. She thought we would take the kids. I had other ideas.
Leaving the kids behind required some effort talking the grandparents into it. They forget that 17 and 15 year olds count as babysitters these days, just as they did when they left us behind with the teenagers across the road in the 70s.
However in the end, sense prevailed and the 6 kids were left behind with a box of party pies to heat up for lunch.

And we sat on the deck in the lovely humid warmth and the band was fantastic. next time I have a party, I want it in Narooma with dad's band playing.


They had a guest trumpet player as Bev the banjo player wasn't well. Dad loved sharing the front line with him.
Well after enjoying lunch, Mum and I made our way home and i suggested taking the kids to Bar Beach.

Perfectly at home these days in the water, they all went in first thing then as the cold water got the better of them, they came out and began sand play. Starting with the 6 of them, they soon attracted half a dozen more. Holidays in Narooma have always been like that. That's how Michael met his wife after all.

Erin is joined by a young builder
One little girl came out of the surf and was most unhappy, run up and stormed right through the sandcastles they had made. Then she looked somewhat shocked at herself as she realised her sandcastle was a few meters down the beach.

Gaudi-like sand castles built by John
The gang

This is the stuff you remember when you are a grown up.
I am so glad that the kids have had the Narooma experience!