(Something to listen to while you read perhaps)
So it is two weeks since the last blog and that pretty much wraps around the time the black dog struck back for a little while.
Woven into this blog's narrative of building a new life is the undercurrent of fighting with that bloody dog. With all the achievements of late, I had decided to halve the dose of antidepressants. At first things were fine- unchanged. Then after a fortnight it was getting a little less easy sailing until last week I was back in the thick of it. Massive and frightening mood swings.
This week I went to the doctor for a chat. She has given me an official schedule to step down the dose. I asked her about the moods. The deep lows followed with highs within the same 24 hours. She explained the 'highs' are me. The lows are the depression. And now I look at it, the further I am from the dose, the more difficult it is for me to stay steady.
I take the dose after my morning shower. Allow some time for the stuff to get into my brain you would expect that afternoons would be my good times and late night and early morning my worst. And early mornings have been devastating.
I nearly went back to full strength, but this weekend, things seem to have settled. I feel myself again.
It is incredible. Honestly. People tell me I don't need them. They simply don't have a clue what it is like to be in this body!
Last weekend when it was bad I couldn't make myself go out into the garden for any serious length of time. I couldn't lift. It seems absurd. Maybe it is my imagination- but I couldn't lift the heavy pavers. I tried to decide what to do with the pavers and I shifted them back and forth until I turned my back on them and walked inside again.
But today I have been out. It is cold and clear and glorious. The whole time I gardened, Sparky the canary sang. It was one of those life is perfect times. heady and wonderful. THIS is who I am. I was strong. I dug lots of holes. I made decisions.
I shifted a good quantity of the pile of dirt.
Progress has been made. In the garden.. and I am still on half a dose.....
(And that is despite walking into a very messy house and being yelled at by the 13yo who thinks I shouldn't call through the house for people to pick up their plates.)
I have another blog to write about computers and BBQs but it can wait!
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